another story book face blog. should probably be an “only me” post.
Here’s a fun little example of an emergency. we have a showing at noon. I’m running around our house in super psycho clean mode because to be honest, I haven’t even begun to unpack the kids suitcases and backpacks. we had a little after birthday celebration for our little man, so we have been completely absorbed in avenger lego worlds. oh and we’ve had to sit and watch back to back to back to back to kill me now i’m actually learning not only the songs but the flipping dialogue of the wonderfully made you have to be kidding me with this but I promised to dvr it “teen beach movie.” i missed my kids, i missed my kids, i missed my kids. ok, sorry. got off track. now, about 3 minutes after I get the showing alert, my forth son shows up and wants to play. we have to get out so he says let’s all go play at my house and without even thinking how this might affect his dad who works night shifts and sleeps all day, I send them off so I can make sense out of the house. much easier sans kids. and by make sense, I mean hide suitcases under beds, shove all of the washed but unfolded laundry that is literally taking up the entire couch into the washer and dryer. on top of the other clothes. that will take some sorting out at some point. but not now. SO. I told the children I’d collect them in an hour and in my frenzy, I’m sucking up 1235 tiny lego pieces (seriously, that’s the number) in my dust buster and dumping them into tupperware. set that right in the fridge. don’t ask questions. ok, I’ll answer the questions. yes. I mixed all the pieces up and apparently you aren’t supposed to do it that way because each little bag/pile is a different section of the mother ship and yes, tre hates me. whatever. watch the teen beach austin and ally freakshow version of west side story. but on the beach. and you know what? it’s a damn shame. I’ll leave it at that. yes, I’m rambling. ok. focus. emergency. ok. the showing is from 12-1. I hide all the gifts and bags and luggage and cakes and shove crap anywhere, grab the cat run the vacuum, put the dirty dishes in a laundry basket in the garage - remember who is rattling this off, ok. it makes sense in my world- and I’m off to put gas in the car and then collect my kids. I swing back by the house on my way to get the kids and the showing agent is actually just pulling up to the house. it’s about 12:20. awesome. I’ll go get the munchkins and they should be gone. get the kids. chitty chat for a bit, head back to the house. oops. they are still there. ok. let me pull in to the cul de sac. I’ll park and stalk again. at about 12:40 I’m surprised they are still there but I’m just parked in front of chandra’s house waiting it out. yes. I’m parked in front of her house and talking to her on the phone. why not go in? It’s too hot to get out, to be honest. I make no sense. thankfully chandra knows this and actually talks to me. 5 min later little miss announces she has to potty. ok. they should be leaving. hold on, sweety. no mommy. I have to go bad. ok, let’s go into chandras house. annnnddddd here’s the emergency. my 5 year old child has potty issues. she has fear and loathing and actually will not, NOT, go potty in public restrooms or at anyone’s house. except for ours. she has public poop paralysis. Yes, I’ve named it. it’s a problem. and apparently she has had to go for quite some time and we are in phase 3. out of 4. and phase 3 requires standing up in the car. no. I’m not kidding. the child is going to shit in my car. these people have GOT TO LEAVE. sweet Jesus this is not happening. I don’t even want to sell the house anymore. get out. I’m pleading with her that we go into chandras and she’s crying and noooo and I am about to throw her out and let her crap on the lawn but what do I have in the car?? ok. I have plastic bags. and I have paper towels. I am literally going to make a damn port a potty in my car. this is so not ok. on so many not ok levels. why? whyyyyyyy? now the other 2 children are screaming and I tell emmy to get into the back of the expedition and I’ll help her and now she’s sobbing and begging and REALLY??? ok. NOW they are over their limit. time was up at 1. it’s 1.08. we have an emergency broadcast system alert. child is beside herself, I’m sweating profusely and now I’m certain all of the neighbors have noticed me sitting outside of chandra’s house for 45 min with the car running and crawling over the seats and I’m certain the police will be pulling up any moment and I’ll be holding a bag of shit. OMG. and did the worst happen? no. they left and I floored it and we had a little bit of an issue but most of it went into the toilet so it’s ok. just throw that floor mat and some of her clothing right into the garbage and move on. it could be worse. so we have all been sworn to never mention it ever (as I type this out) and I will now carry adult pampers in the car in the event that anyone ever has an emergency whilst sale stalking the house again. first bottle of wine is gone. NEXT!!